Lately, I have been focusing on the negative and letting it focus on me. This has been the reason for the down hill slide. I gave up. Well.. I'm still here, so I haven't given up all together. But I have let things get on top of me, mainly a depressed, funky rut. It is threatening to swallow me whole.
The will flickers like a distant candle. It seems so far away.
And so, the problem solver in me gets to work. I want to work this shit out - if it kills me. If it kills me. We all know it won't. But I'm not going to kid you or myself. It is going to hurt. How can it not? I jumped right into trying to find a solution to my head case.. for three days I wrote and drew mind maps. I traced and tracked events, timelines and incidents... it was an amazing list. Even for me.
The thing is - I know that I am not the only one to have experiences which lead to a condition like post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Simply living - even in a 'safe' part of the world - does not exempt you from trauma. For all the personal damage I have felt.. I truly feel as though my compassion bone has been compensated. I know how to feel because I feel... and that is awesome.
As of tomorrow.. things physically change. I will have no choice but to change with it. I am frightened and excited.