When the mute start yabbering....

It's Wednesday night.. finally, as though my fingers were my tongue, I can speak.   This week I have had to call upon every tool available to me. My art, my kids, my work...  just thinking about work makes me smile.  Thinking about all these things makes me smile.. because it is always when I am at my worst that I appreciate the gold which is all around me. 

Making Art has been challenging lately... I have wanted to make every day and I have been following that urge but there is the feeling of being in a rut.. or rutted.  :)  Just as I was about to give up, I began drawing with the stub of a soft graphite pencil and made some lovely drawings...  it's always the way. It feels like a test - to determine determination.   I think I may have scraped through by the skin of my teeth. :)  Pass. 

Tonight, I plan to rest, she said typing like a madwoman, and absorb the slight change in direction and look at my work and it's future.  An assessment. 

My mind feels as though it has survived a car crash... it is still rolling and lurching - but there is something grounding in the softness of graphite... something warm in the grey.. and it has, thus far, been a very cold winter.

I like Me - I like Me Not - I like Me - I like Me Not

A couple of years ago I began taking a series of self portraits called The Flicker Book Series.  The Flicker Book Series had one main goal and that was to produce enough self portraits, close together and over time, which would be compiled (at the end of my life) into one book.  This book or collection of portraits is for my children and their children.  When placed in chronological order and flicked.. they would be able to watch me age before their eyes.  The idea was a long term project for me and fun.

Art is a sneaky thing.  Sometimes you think you know what you are doing.. only to find out later that you were really doing something else. 

As artists, I believe we aim to touch something within others - it is that desire to communicate.. and yet when art is inspired and real.. it can touch the artist as well.  You might assume that an artist is immediately touched by their own work.. but I can tell you, at least from my point of view, that I constantly searching for more within myself.  To touch my own heart, to tap into an honesty within myself - it's just awesome.  So, that said...

The Flicker Book Series has turned into one of those collections for me.  As well as staying true to the original idea.. there have also been some unexpected perks.    Seeing my own face - is good therapy.

Like someone who has a distorted view of their own body and it's shape - I have a completely distorted view of my own face.  I am haunted, quite viciously at times, by the past.  I have loathed the sight of myself and have spent a long time afraid of mirrors. 

My face, it seems, has gotten me into much trouble and I think somewhere, somehow, I disconnected myself from it.  It may have been around the same time that I changed my name.  Considering how much I remember.. there is also so much that is forgotten.

There is a big reason to be thankful of the past I have had.   I understand what people need.  I understand how they can slip through cracks.  I know how small we are and how strong we can be.  I have compassion.  For that alone I am grateful.

There has been one person who has missed out on my compassion though.  That would be me.  I don't think I have extended that human right to myself.  Another point to address and soon.  This image is just that.  I am just a person in space like you.  Space dust.. just like you.  And for this one minute - my compassion is mine.